(… the effect of watching too much Jane Austen’s novel-based movies)
Dear my greatest love,
First of all, I wish you the best health. I sent this letter to inform you that all of your possessions and properties were properly handled by the new appointees. Hence, please rest assure, knowing that the works of your hands are prospering steadily under caring minds. About my personal life, I almost withdrew from all of external interactions for I had no business to leave the house frequently. And dear, with your absence and my heart longed for your return, the socialization could not hardly entertain me these days. But I deliberately took upon this rare occasion to increase the length of this letter a little longer, hoping to make a compassionate thought-provoking inquiry with you for I know you are very intrigued by your wife’s absolute absurdity. Please bear with me and understand that it is very hard for me to start this conversation. Also please do not see me as a shrilling wife in attempting to complicate a wonderful marriage but do mark my words with tenderness for I absolutely meant you no harm.
My dearest darling, I am your beloved wife for many years. You have been a terrific husband and oh milord, I have not seen any blessings bestowed upon one soul more generously more than the blessing you have been bestowing upon your humble wife. You give me everything a women could ever asked for: a wonderful family with loving husbands and lovely children. I am thankful still and milord, I sworn to you that my thoughts stay utterly loyal to you. However, many recent events affected me with much trouble thoughts. Wars is such horrendous atrocity; yet to confess to you, I had been exciting about the change it brought to our hometown. Wars, as it greatly degenerated men into savage beasts, also turned women into thinking humans. Oh dear, my mouth run away with harsh comments again. I had been raised to be precious and delicate. But milord, you have known me well. I was a wild creature but you had accepted me with sympathy. Oh how much I am indebted to your generosity! To continue on, because of social norms, I had never wandered the streets alone and with no escort from servants. Now you went away for business trips, as your wife, I was obliged to take up the responsibility in taking care of the rest of family and your accomplishment. I confessed I was deeply in distress, I almost lost my consciousness. However, days by days, I started to emerge into the world of men. I dare to say I did not enjoy it a bit for there are excessive calculations and alcohol for your poor wife. Well, the conclusion is that I had come to understand how much a women can do. Thanks to wars, women had stepped out of the light. Still, I am greatly concerned about the safety of our family. You had traveled far to arrange for our family a new life, so I am wrecked with guilt, thinking that I am exciting on such a deathly instrument of Grim while your safety is destined in its hands. I beg your forgiveness if any of my thoughts offended you. You know I am caring for your health very much and I said this to simply ease my mind. I am being selfish to my beloved husband and please pardon me, my dearest darling.
My dearest darling, upon a greater degree of freedom from my tedious domestic chores, I started to explore the mysterious world of literature. Oh milord, how much I am fascinated by its festive enrichment of knowledge and emotion: I was denied of those extravagant luxuries from the lack of education access ever since I was born. How much I am envious of you, milord. You and your books, you two shared such a great companionship that I did not understood earlier but now I do. Your humble wife had not known the joys of reading great books and when she did, her mind was filled with endless questions. Then I thought of our marriage milord. My marriage with you had been my life. Now that I had read that love existed since the beginning of human, I started to wonder what it was like to be loved. Oh mon cher, c’est une question difficile!
I am afraid that you might misjudge me on that statement and that was why I had been terrified to confront you on that extremely sensitive subject. However, I must confess to you that, honestly, I had not known what love is. After all these years, my dearest thing, the truth is, I do not know. By making such ridiculous statement, I had committed a terrible crime upon your fragile heart but you must know that I am as equally hurt. You had treated me with so much grace and tender, even though we hadn’t said a word of expression, it is well understood that we both share the intimacy named “love”. But my dear, I come to understand that I am a dreamer. Yes milord, your humblest wife among the wives in London is a dreamer. A dreamer could not understand love, milord. Perhaps, no living soul could. I had read so many books, yet I had not found a perfect singular definition of love and it seemed to me that all writers from ancient Greek to our present, none had understood love clearly but merely uttered the word disturbingly. Knowing that you are a wise men among wisest mens in London, I assure you that even the wisest men on earth, he wouldn’t be capable of understanding such complex thing, let alone a poor, incompetent, mortal soul of a desperate dreamer. Well, you told me once that a dreamer was born to be melancholy all the time. I had no intend to explain the term “dreamer” but I dare to beg you grand me an audition on the part of love. Please, please, please, my dearest thing, as my morality does not allow me to express any further excuses, I do wish you to share my opinions on one thing. Until this very moment, the only force that bonding our marriage is not love but a kindness among humans. I lack the conviction to understand such strangely passionate emotion named “love”. But I believe I am still capable of understanding the vastness of human emotions that inquires deep intellectuality and a grand heart at the same time. Oh milord, another fear of mine is that you might find me arrogant on making such contradictory claim. A grand heart shall be able to contain all kind of emotions, isn’t it? And here I am standing against you, confusing us on such unnecessary matter. We are still staying together, aren’t we? The fuss isn’t worthy your attention milord but I know you had given me too much privileges, I dare to use one of the privileges to pour my heart out for you.
My dearest darling, I had thought that I loved you. From time to time, I had thought I loved you to the point I could just stab my heart if it made you happy. Oh milord, I could have told you that if it wasn’t me, nobody else could love you as much as I do in one day. But dearest darling, such thing to be spoken will be a great insult to you. I also acknowledge that you are strange to such applause, I restrained myself from saying so. Oh dear, hadn’t you seen the flame in my eyes whenever your fingers stroked my breast. Oh dear, please do not tell me you hadn’t seen how my body trembled under your touch and how I gripped onto your shoulder with all my soul. My love for you however varnished slowly after years of marriage. Instead, I chose to love you by gratitude and respect. Hardly anyone bears me at my worst for the trait of savage remained inside and for that I am grateful to you. Hardly anyone hurt me at my best for I was raised by the noblest blood and for that, I am respecting you. Oh dear, am I being sarcastic again? Well, the point is, if it was not you, it would not be anyone else. We had deliberately chosen each other, my dear. And for the cause of a long lasting duration of marriage, my love must die. A dreamer do not know love but he could afford a marriage, my dear. So I am here with you.
But my dear, as I wrote these lines, I started to feel agony squeezing my heart. Oh, you are the dearest men to me, how foolish I am to say that I do not love you. Well, a women in war time sure is troubling. But love me, yes, darling? You are wiser than your poor humblest wife. Toss away this letter if you see it unfit and pardon me. Otherwise, write me a letter filled with passion so I know that you forgive me and you agree with me that that we are dreamers and that we are submitted to be husband and wife for eternity.
P.s: I beg you milord, please return with me safely for I am in demand of your presence. The house is in insurmountable of sorrow without your heartily laugh and your theatrical sense of humor.
Your deepest love